Negative Influence

I went to the grocery store today. It's a huge to-do. Pushing a double stroller, pulling a basket behind me. Always rechecking the cart to see what Adeline has added when my back was turned, always soothing fussy twins, always bumping into displays, always running over patrons with my extra long cargo. It's a mess, and I'm usually a mess when it's all said and done. I try to make it better by going early in the morning when it's less crowded, and the staff are still chipper. Not today. The "Family Friendly" lane was not so friendly, and it really bothered me today. Usually I chalk it up to these folks hating their jobs, but something was off with this one today. She was extraordinarily grouchy. Beyond grouchy, to just plain rude and mean. I knew there was an issue besides me when she barked at the woman waiting in line behind me. I bit my tongue. So many scenarios and talking points ran through my head, but none of them felt right. I could have gone the unearthly christian kindness, the sassy backtalker, the positive words of affirmation route, but none felt genuine. It's awfully scary how much your behavior, attitude, and emotions affect EVERYONE around you. I left feeling extraordinarily angry, grumbling to myself, considering running back in and giving her a piece of my mind. Truth be told, I had already had a turbulent morning with my coffee not turning out the way I wanted, then not even having the time to drink it between pumping, making breakfast, feeding babies, and dealing with a big kid who's decided to start throwing super tantrums when I can't get her what she needs right that moment. I really just wanted to be around someone who was genuinely kind. Not the fake "Well hello! My you have your hands full! Are you finding everything you need today?" that most store employees give. Instead I got this woman. She really did a number on me and I don't understand why. I shouldn't allow other people to control my day and the way I feel, but when you think about it, how many times have you been around someone who was sincere and upbeat and it made you feel better? I felt like I was just in an emotional/spiritual battle; her negativity, and my positivity. I wasn't strong enough, and my positivity broke. Think about this with your kids. They're usually a ball of energy, positive, smiley, laughing positivity. And my bad day, tired mental state, and any other blah emotions can stop them in their tracks and break them down. That thought right there kills me. Never ever do I want Adeline or Ben and Morgan to feel the way this woman made me feel. I need to take control of my emotions, have a mantra that I can repeat and recenter myself. I need to be able to bend to kindness and good things, but stand firm against the negative. Look at these kids' faces. How in the world could I be upset, angry, mad, sad, distraught, when they are here? So pure, so free.

Double check everything

I have to remind myself that children don't come already equipped with social norms, rules, and everyday regulations. I can't expect Adeline to just know that leaving a cup of milk hidden in a shoe in the back of the closet is a bad idea, or that eating all of the nutria grain bars mama has in her bag for road trips or emergencies will result in a massive stomach ache. Life lessons with the washer and dryer have come up a lot lately. A mon ago Adeline wanted to help, so she got the laundry soap and poured it into the dryer. Obviously I would have stopped her, explained how that's not where the soap goes, and cleaned it out of the dryer, if I had been there. Unfortunately I was putting up clean clothes. Our laundry soap is dry and white, so I didn't notice it covering the inside of the dryer. And I thought nothing if the sounds coming from the dryer since there were lots snaps and zippers making noise. Only afterwards, when I took the laundry out, and notices burn spots all over the clothes did I realize what happened. I'm still trying to get the dryer free from detergent.
Today I had Adeline help by putting her laundry into the washer. I didn't double check to make sure there wasn't anything in the basket that shouldn't be. Of course there was. A pull up. The insides had exploded all over. Disaster. Things could be much worse. Right now I'm putting out small fires here and there. Imagine the blazes that I'll be dealing with once the twins get older!
Some small footnotes-
We've hiked, walked, and day driven every weekend since the weathers been nice. I love it. Alaska sure is something else.
I started running, yesterday. I can comfortably do 3 miles. I hope to get to 5 soon.
I didn't get the teaching job at the Waldorf school. Disappointed. It's hard to combat the feelings if failure. But I'm moving on. I'll be where I need to be.

Hiking in Alaska

It is the beginning of april, the dawn is at 5:45am and dusk is at 10:15pm. It is sunny and beautiful outside. I loved winter too, the snow makes everything so beautiful. But I am especially excited about spring. The fresh air does wonders. It relaxes and invigorates at the same time. It reminds me of how luck I am to be here, to have my family.

The end of the school year is fast approaching, which means we'll be going on more family outings and camping. That means I've headed back to the Y to help make sure that I don't die while carrying babies in the backwoods.
The end of the school year also means schools are looking or will be looking to hire for the next school year. So I've thrown my hat into the ring. Out of 25 applications, I've had one call back and interview. It's been ten days since the interview and I haven't heard a thing. Up until yesterday I was letting fear and anxiety rule over me. Why hadn't they called, did I do that bad, am I delusional thinking I did great? What's the deal? Then I felt hopeless. I know I'm a great teacher, but am I able to get that through in an interview? Maybe I'll never get a job again. It's scary how far off your thoughts can go if you don't have a handle in them. I'm better now, thanks to some sound advice from mike and a good sweat.
What happens happens, I'll be where I'm needed. Right now at this moment, I'll apply, but I'm here at home with my kids, painting toe nails, changing poops, and everything else that comes along with it.

Kincaid Park and Point Woronzof

Family time outside enjoying the sunshine

Big kid

Adeline has crossed that line from tantrum-y toddler to thoughtful big kid. Don't get me wrong, she still has her fair share of melt downs, but the balance is shifting. I couldn't be happier. She talks a lot more, ask more question, and comes up with her own far fetched answers. Her voice and vocabulary sound more like that of a kid in grade school.

Now our big hurdle is empathy. She either doesn't understand or care when she's hurt someone physically or mentally. Right now we're at the point of telling her that she's hurt someone and that she needs to say that she's sorry. I'm supposing that this is completely typical for a 3.5 year old. It's just tough when she laughs in your face after you've just told her that she's hurt you.

It's crazy how fast time flies, and how each stage brings relief that you're done with whatever crazy stage she was just in and excitement and worry for the new and probably challenging stage.

Warm ups and lock downs

The Alaskan winter that I've known since October is over. It's warmer in the 20s and 30s and sunny. The sun is so bright and so close you forget that it's still right at freezing and you put on a light zip up hoodie and you're extremely comfortable. I love it.
But since Adeline's been sick, I'm reduced to only basking in the sun on the living room floor like a cat. She woke me up this morning at 6:45 proclaiming 'I'm not sick anymore, I don't have anymore boogers!' yay! Because she is an awful sick kid, when she has a stuffy nose. It's funny, well not funny at all, that the moment she's over her cold, BOTH babies get the coughs and stuffy noses. So we're all still on lock down, unable to enjoy spring. I'm using this down time to plan all of the parks and trails I plan on visiting. We're crazy close to lakes, woods, ocean, playgrounds, and hiking. And I plan on visiting them all.
The twins had their 6 month doctors appointment, and like usual, they were healthy with nothing to talk about really. I'm super thankful for that. I do ask about Ben's boy parts. I always feel so silly but I'm really not sure what's normal and what's not. So every skin fold, red spot, and wrinkle gets asked about. I'm pretty sure they doc laughs at me in his head.
Clogged nipple pores. Did I just scare some of you away? If you're a male, feel free to skip this part. I've always thought I had dried breastmilk stuck to me, but after reading a random tweet from a LC I'm pretty sure I've got clogged nipple pores. The Internet is evil for people like me. I start worrying that I'll get mastitis or other breast infections. I start worrying that I could have been making more milk, so the the twins wouldn't have to get formula. So I'm going to try and look at this with less emotion. I'll use warm compresses before and after I pump, I'll exfoliate in the shower, I probably won't heat a needle and pierce myself like some advice I read.
It's funny how becoming a parent makes poop, sickness, private parts, and all of the rest not so taboo. It's a normal part of my everyday life.
Another part of my everyday life, earthquakes. They're small, the largest I've felt at only 3.8, but they still frighten me. I start seeing scenes from The Exorcist as the house starts shaking. I don't know how to prepare myself or my family for a big one. I feel like I'd be going overboard if I started packing emergency backpacks with MREs, stocking up in water, etc etc. Maybe I'll slowly stock up, filling a Rubbermaid tub for an earthquake, tsunami, or blizzard. If I do this slowly it'll help me from going crazy about it.

Mama needs some grace

Being a mom is all about trial and error for me. I'm constantly using different voices, tones, evil eyes, punishments, time outs, etc etc. I've usually found the right combination for each situation 25% of the time. I told Mike yesterday that I feel like I'm batting with a .195 batting average and he's got a .350. And that's ok when we're together because we balance each other out, but when I'm alone, and Adeline's kicked the television over because I turned it off, Ben is screaming because he wants me to hold him, Morgan's screaming because she has gas, and my boobs hurt because I need to pump, my mommy brain doesn't think fast enough. It's only after the chaos that I can look at the past hour and critique myself and try to figure out a better plan of attack for next time. I made that sound a lot better than it really was. In reality I fought back tears and prayed for guidance, discernment, and forgiveness for losing my temper and spanking Adi. I know it isn't that big of a deal but I feel horrible about it. The next thing I know, I'm cuddling with Adi and painting her toenails. I guess some part of my subconscious thinks that maybe she's acting out/kicking/screaming because I'm not paying enough attention to her. I never thought that it'd be this hard to give everyone the attention they need. I need more arms, ears, well I need more mes for each kiddo. I'm also constantly asking myself if I'm doing it right, or what would the Aldermans/Napiers/Maneys/ or anyone we know with kids do?

I'm pretty sure that I will never have it all figured out, and my batting average will probably stay low, but I love my family and all u can do is pray and try again. And use pinterest to think of cute ideas for rewards, behavior charts, and discipline motivators.